What's next????

Sorry dear Reader,

Physical, mental, financial, legal, blah, blah and blah have kept me from my writing. Sometimes depression sets its ghastly grip upon the fingers and hands of this writer so tightly that not a word can be written.

For months I have been a prisoner; in a cold box of my own design. Playing Jailer, Warden, Parole Board, Nightmare Guard and Prisoner-in-Isolation.

After many months of this self-imprisonment, it was hard enough to make a Dr. appt., let alone post a blog or look for a job. The downward spiral was simply a self-fulfilling prophecy; my interest in music, letters, art ... fading away to shadows as my panic attacks spiked, my happiness plunged into darkness as my weight skyrocket to 300lbs.

Three-HUNDRED. Pounds.

This shadow manifests itself as a shell around my body ... affixed to every curve of my body, just below the skin, its surface area only slightly lower than that of my cuerpo ... to allow [limited] mvmt about the joints and cartilage.

Since the roadwork began I have lost much of this weight (~250lbs now) the sunlight, exercise and camaraderie has picked away at my shell of sorrow long enough to create cracks, fissures, even broken pieces. One day it will crumble away, every last bit. Today however, a healthy amount remains fixed my body and soul, like trans-dimensional barnacles.

Each day they get weaker. Each day one or two of them release their hold, perhaps in search of sadness in greater abundance on some other broken-hearted soul. I appreciate .... FEEL each time one lets go. But there are not 10, 1000 or even 1 million of these. They are w/o number.

Two weeks ago a spasm in my right knees caused me to cry out. I pitched forward and over sideways onto my hardhat and dungarees. As my FRIENDS/Comrades; Mitch and Oz, knelt to lift me up, I raised my head to the sky and damned if BILLIONS of these "sad symbiotic slimeballs" didn't start to release their grip by the BILLIONS.

While untold numbers still remain firmly affixed, this event was exp. by me as some form of higher-power-exp. If it was God, IS God who has helped/is helping, than I give my thanks to Him/Her/It.

Whatever it is, I am on the mend. If you ask [family] ppl close 2 me, they will tell you that "Chris has lost it ... he finally snapped ... he only thinks he's happy ... an extended [three-week?] manic episode .... [or the worst explanation of all] ... he relapsed."

All lies.

For third-party verification, I have two MD's and a Ph.D who will back my claim of recovery, documentation. A swath of new friends that [hopefully] care about me would never have come near me six months ago - nor would I have wanted them to or allowed it.

And if you need any more proof, you need only look the sheer qty of fat cells that are now lean-muscle. That and my Mediterranean olive-skin ... now several shades darker.

Bless you dear Reader. I have several stories bouncing around in this debatably sane/insane head of mine and I plan to use this blog as a proving grounds for them.

Till we meet again. L'chaim!

C